Photo: “Heart Road,” by Reenie Marx, URL: reeniemarx.com, Facebook page: reeniemarxfineartphotography

Many years ago, I told a therapist, “Relationships are the hardest things in life.” She replied, “Until you understand how they work. Then they become one of the most rewarding adventures life has to offer.”

Rewarding, though, does not mean easy.

Recently I had a conflict with a very dear friend of mine. He and I are working on a joint project and by and large we are a great combination to accomplish the job. But I had an issue with what I felt was a disrespect of boundaries and confidentiality. He promised to be careful but kept slipping into the same pattern over and over again. One time I got angry, another time I got sad, and yet another time I felt betrayed—and then got serious. This had to stop.

An agonizing ten days ensued. I was like a dog with a bone. Could not let it go. Went for walks talking to myself in my head, going back and forth. Was I right to be upset? Should I quit the project? Was I being compassionate to him? Was I indulging in storyline? Where was the line between self-compassion and kindness to the other? Should I re-read my books on nonviolent communication again? Listen to the tapes? Read again that wonderful book by Pema Chodron, The Wisdom of No Escape? Or maybe that other one by Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace. I also pondered if the COVID sheltering in place was exacerbating my slight tendency to OCD, too much self-talk and navel gazing. Maybe I should go dancing with my neighbor's cat in my back yard at midnight.

Very soon it dawned on me that the only solution was inner work. I recalled that story by Pema, one she really loves to tell, about a relationship she had with a woman while in Gampo Abbey, in Nova Scotia. As I remember, the issue was that the woman could not stand her, and this was extremely painful to her. Nothing she did could make the woman like her and this was agonizing as they crossed paths daily. So, one night she went to the meditation hall and sat there in meditation all night, intending to resolve the issue once and for all. Somewhere about two in the morning she had this image of herself as a little girl feeling very inadequate. And then she understood that all her life she had escaped having to deal with that feeling. That her whole ego structure was built around not having to feel that ever again.

I love that story because it is so profoundly simple and so universal. But back to me. So, I resolved to figure out in my own way how to work with this situation in the best and most integral way possible, taking full responsibility, that is, without blaming, without closing my heart, without going down the well-trodden path of resentment and victimhood. I sat for many hours figuring out what was this situation triggering in me and what would be the best affirmations I could come up with as antidotes. I am sharing here five of them in a spirit of complicity and service. Maybe they are useful to you, too. I believe this is one possible path to nonviolent conflict transformation. (By the way, the aftermath of Pema's experience was not that the woman stopped disliking her. She just stopped being affected by the fact.)

1) I am authentic and true to myself and easily tolerate the dislike of others.

We often betray ourselves and are inauthentic out of a need to be loved and out of fear of losing love. We become people pleasers and thus actually do lose enriching and loving relationships.

2) I have a right to exist and take my place fearlessly.

This affirmation relates to the previous one. So often, due to trauma experienced in our tender early years, we make ourselves invisible and small in order not to be hurt and not experience rejection. We give up our power and our liveliness and our sense of self. We also readily betray ourselves and create inner war and conflict within. We lose perspective.

3) I state my truth regardless of how it is received, with grace and confidence.

I once got incredibly angry at a boyfriend, pure fire. He looked at me in total awe and amazement and said: “Oh my God, I've never seen you so beautiful!” Some truth shone then and there that had not dared to appear before. Nothing is so attractive as unadulterated truth spoken from the confident self.

4) I release all resentment from the past and free myself.

Resentment is built on story. The hamster in our heads work hard to reinforce all kinds of reasons to stay angry, mad and self-righteous. Incredibly tiring and for the most part very unfruitful. What a gift to oneself it is to not feed that wolf, to let it go and release the grip of its fangs.

5) I enjoy a lively discussion among people with opposing points of view.

How wonderful it would be if people in international conferences and debates and staff meetings would embrace this affirmation! The world would become a playground for respect of diversity, enjoyment of others and enrichment of my perspective through theirs. Wouldn't that be something new?

After creating these affirmations three things happened for me.

The first was that when I replied without offense to a person's gruff refusal to engage, the person then came back with a kind explanation and apology of her initial behavior.

The second was that I realized I was being very creative in my everyday activities—more energy was becoming available.

And the third is a confirmation of what all the wisdom teachings proclaim: correct loving relationship to the Self is crucial. My very ancient terror of losing love and being punished needs to be embraced with loving kindness; acknowledged and brought safely to shore. I see clearly that there is nothing to fix, no big proclamations to make (though they might be useful sometimes), no going to war against anything. As Rilke says, perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.

Insofar as my friend in concerned, it is clear to me that he also did inner work because when we smile at one another there is ease and luminosity, not that foggy screen that happens when we are faking it.

Veronica Pelicaric is Pace e Bene’s Director of Training Programs. She lives in Montreal.

Healing Relationship

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