We’ve all been there: a long week at work, in need of rest, feeling overwhelmed, and when faced with discomfort—a question we’ve heard one-too-many times, a tone of voice that rubs us wrong, or feeling our needs go unmet—we snap at our friends or family or co-workers. After the fact, we find we’re not proud of that reaction. We wished we’d handled things another way. But how?

In Culture Shift: Nonviolence at Work, Kit Miller discusses the importance of slowing down in these moments and giving ourselves space to choose how we’d like to respond instead of reacting in ways that leave us with regret. Read the excerpt below for more.

The fertile potential of nonviolence lives in the gap between stimulus and response. It’s the place where we can break the cycle of violence and discover other options. It’s where we can change our habitual reactions toward responses to be more aligned with our values. By taking a pause before responding, we have a chance to respond with curiosity, deep listening, or to articulate our thoughts and perspective. 

Several years ago, a group of high school students in Rochester, New York, launched a club with the support of M. K. Gandhi Institute staff. They called it Project Think Before Reacting. In it, the students practiced finding that gap. Club activities focused on knowing how to respond when a friend sends a drama-infused text or when someone makes a joke at their expense in the cafeteria. It gives them the ability to find options with higher potential gains (resolving the problem, keeping their cool, repairing a friendship) and fewer negative consequences (suspension, getting in a fist fight, expulsion). As adults, we need this kind of practice too. 

You can start by finding something that helps you notice this gap, and practice every day. Deep breaths, prayer, mantra, songs, poems—use whatever works for you. Try it out not only when you’re stressed, but also in response to “good” or “neutral” things. One person I know takes a breath before hitting the send button on her emails. It’s a frequent reminder to think before reacting.

By practicing, we build the mental muscles into a reflex that kicks into gear when we need it most. If this sounds similar to kung fu, it’s because it is. Kazu Haga, nonviolence trainer and author of Healing Resistance, likens nonviolence to a martial art—we grow stronger through the practice. Eventually, in a moment of need, thinking before reacting becomes our knee-jerk response to the situation. 

One powerful illustration of this practice paying off occurred at an interfaith gathering just days after the tragic events of September 11, 2001. Our city was a few hours away from New York City; many local emergency responders were there to offer aid. High levels of fear raced through many people. As faith leaders and activists, we were concerned about the backlash against Muslims. We met at the Islamic Center to collectively mourn, in solidarity with the local Muslim community. I have a vivid memory of that feeling in the room when, in response to a heartfelt question of how best to respond to that painful moment, Islamic Center of Rochester leader Dr. Muhammad Shafiq paused and then said: “People of faith, cool down and get humble.” 

This simple, powerful advice worked in that moment of extreme tension, and it works now. All of us—whether or not we consider ourselves people of faith—can learn to pause and center instead of responding with a knee-jerk reaction. In that space, a wiser response often emerges.

There’s still time to preorder your copy of Culture Shift: Nonviolence at Work, releasing September 10. Get yours here.