Anger can be both hard to manage and difficult to let go. And feeling anger is not contradictory to pursuing nonviolence. Instead nonviolence offers us the opportunity to examine our anger, the root causes and resulting effects, and harness the energy that drives it to create thoughtful change. In her new book, Culture Shift: Nonviolence at Work—releasing this Tuesday, September 10!—Kit Miller explores this topic at length. Below is a taste of this discussion to get you started.

Anger is like a fire. It warms—until it burns. It’s illuminating—until it blinds. It seems to give power—until it overpowers. Anger emerges when we feel threatened or powerless. 

If you investigate anger in yourself and others, you may notice a common pattern—anger is a secondary response. Its intensity erupts so rapidly that it is easy to miss the presence of the first response: fear. Here’s an example I have shared in workshops and talks countless times: A child runs into the street. A car slams on the brakes, nearly hitting them. The parent/older sibling/guardian yanks the child back and yells, “Don’t ever do that again!” When I ask for guesses as to what that person may be really feeling, people of all ages immediately name fear. (As I edit this book, a parent told me this exact story, once again! He talked about anger, and said yes when I asked if fear was the underlying fuel.) Almost universally, the lightbulb snaps on. They know—we all know—that the parent sounds angry but is actually terrified, afraid for the safety of the child. Before anger rips through us, our hearts plummet into our guts. Adrenaline whips through our body in a biological reaction to danger. Fear is converted into fuel for action, a mechanism humans have used for hundreds of thousands of years to stay alive.

When a paper mill dumps toxins in the water, when a court strips away human rights, when the economy crashes and elected leaders appear to do nothing . . . anger burns. Beneath that anger is fear: for our health, our safety, our families’ survival. It is intimately tied to love. Love for our community, for children. Love for the Earth and for the well-being of the world.

On a smaller scale, this pattern plays out in everyday squabbles and spats. A coworker borrows our stapler and forgets to return it. We snap at them when really we are afraid of being undervalued. Our kids forget their homework and we yell, irritation masking deeper concern for their future. 

If anger is a secondary reaction, that means we have a microsecond-long chance to choose the response to our flashpoints of fear and threatened love. In that gap lies the opportunity to think before reacting. Knowing that anger is often prompted by care and concern also allows us to choose to respond to others’ anger with more presence and mercy. 

Anger is normal. And, as we all know, it frequently doesn’t get us what we want. Sometimes, the only person burned by our anger is us. Other times, the brunt of anger is borne by the people around us. Dr. King called nonviolent resistance “released anger under discipline for maximum effect.” Whether we’re dealing with social injustice or a workplace tiff, nonviolence invites us to explore what awareness, discipline, and skillful releases can do to change the situation. 

Since anger is normal and common, we have ample opportunities to get to know it as it arises in us. Study it. What predictably generates anger in you? What are your options once it shows up? My anger flares when my care for something intersects with a sense of helplessness, either from a lack of clarity or a lack of ability to make the change I think is best. What are those flashpoints for you at home, and in places where you work, worship, and volunteer? These places hold people and efforts that matter to us, and therefore naturally generate frustration, impatience, and other shades of anger. 

When we are truly angry with another person (not a system), it can help to understand and address the root cause of the issue. The list of universal needs derived from Nonviolent Communication can be used to identify unmet wants and needs. After getting clarity and support, we can do a “social change move”: Instead of getting uptight, or using friends to fan the flames of resentment, get curious about what motivated the other person to do what they did. If you’re not yet able to be curious, apply more understanding, time, and empathic connection until you regain interest in what motivated the other. A sense of inquiry rather than judgment indicates that you’re ready to speak with the other person in ways that might help resolve the dispute. This is a social change opportunity because most of us have been trained to judge, blame, and distance ourselves from others when we feel angry. Disrupting this pattern is transformative for all.

Please do not misunderstand: anger deserves space for expression. We’re not trying to silence it. We’re trying to understand it, looking for ways to put more power—not less—into our efforts to learn and grow from challenges, extend mercy, and seek justice. Rather than trying to squelch the presence of anger, we can grow the ability to choose and respond with increasing skill. It’s about digging deeper, reclaiming that energy, and unleashing love and care as a force for change. In Cyndi Suarez’s words, it is about refusing a powerless identity. In Dr. King’s words, it’s about finding the strength to love. Understanding our own anger sets us up to be far more useful to others in the grip of their anger, who are quite possibly just as lost or scared or lonely under its influence. 

Culture Shift: Nonviolence at Work will start shipping this coming Tuesday, September 10. Preorder your copy here. Thank you for your support!